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Friday, August 21, 2009

quick update and some....

Well as you read from the last post all progress was postponed due to the cyst.
It took me about 2 days to get over it but I guess I'm feeling a little better about it. I've had a lot of other issues I've been dealing with lately, adult crap and I'm just hoping things settle down soon.

My RE's nurse called me back that day and said that she could start me on BCP's on Sunday. She did advise me that although it wouldn't necessarily help the existing cysts it would prevent any new ones.
Since based on the pain I know I ge these things monthly I decided to just go for it.

It's weird being back on BCP after getting off of it 4 years ago.
The pharmacist looked at me cooked when I told him I was there to pick up my BCP and I had an active Rx for PNV's. Even funnier was Alexis trying to explain it to him since we were int he drive-thru pharmacy. LOL
He told him something about it having to do with "fertilization". Way off honey but thanks for playing :) He cracks me up.

The BCP's are treating my ok so far. I'm on Reclipsen. I do get some headaches from time to time but nothing crazy. I'm really hoping that I will only have to be on these this month. This cyst really needs to go away. I do get a little nervous because I'm still getting pain here and there but hopefully it will be gone by the end of the month. I have 2 more weeks of active pills so we'll see.

So now on to what I'm sure will be a big long paragraph of emotional stuff.....

Before we went to our last appt. I had been doing a lot of thinking on what was about to happen, what's still going to happen. This journey that we've already started that was about to get a lot more "interesting".
I began to think about how it would all make me feel. Not just the physical feelings, because I already know all that sucks, but the emotional.
I told Alexis that one of the biggest worries I had was how I would feel during the 2ww? How would I feel if it didn't work?
It's scary.
It's hard to build your self to be so positive only to have it come crashing down so fast. I was lucky that when I had the C/P last summer I was in such a state of denial and shock that I never really gave it a chance to sink in. I knew something was wrong from the very first minute. It's funny how sometimes you just KNOW it won't have a positive outcome. Once it was over the feelings that came over me were strange. I truly felt like I had no right to grieve over it because medically it hadn't really "started". I took it as a big positive that I knew getting pregnant was a possibility and looked forward to the future.
Little did I know the future would lead me here. I'm worried about not being able to afford the injectables which I've now found out I have to pay OOP for. I'm worried about the IUI's not working at all. I worry about actually getting the BFP and actually making it to 5-6 wks and then having something happen. But more than anything, I look forward to the possibility of it working and 9 months later having our baby. To finally having that little person that's part of us.
That poem I posted a little while back is starting to make more more sense to me.

The longer this process takes the more respect I have for the women that have endured it much longer than me. Those that make my experience thus far look like not much of an "experience" at all. I go on the TTTC board on The Bump and it's so inspirational to see all these women and their immeasurable strength. It gives me hope that some how, some day, we'll be parents.
They are truly incredible and I thank god that I can go there for familiarity and comfort.
It's make me feel like we can totally get through this and in the end we will get everything we wanted.

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