In my feelings.....

In my feelings.....

Saturday, May 7, 2016

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The worst part about infertility treatments is the obvious....nothing is guaranteed.

You go thru all the emotions, appointments, shots, creams, medications, blood draws, ultrasounds and money, all for the hope that it will work.

It's not fair.

I'm 8 days in to stims right now. I haven't really shared any part of my journey this time around just because I'm scared. I'm not entirely optimistic. I'm not necessarily negative, just trying to stay neutral. I'm hoping that if I pretend that I don't really care it might make the great possibility of let down not hurt so much.

I'm responding almost exactly like I did previously.

I'm hoping that tomorrow's appointment will shows a big jump in e2 because right now it's pretty low.

I want this to work so very badly.

I know all women going thru this do.

I tired of all the failures. I'm praying that 3rd time is the charm.

Fresh #2 still pending....

Fresh #2 still pending....

Monday, April 18, 2016

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So let's see...

I started taking BCPs and was supposed to be done with them on the 9th and would have started stims on the 14th.
INSTEAD
at my saline ultrasound on April 5th Dr. W found a bunch of polyps.

She scheduled surgery for last week and on the 15th I got them all removed.

I was completely out for the procedure and it hasn't been too bad since. I still feel a little lightheaded and loopy headed from what I can only assume is the anesthesia. But overall, okay. 

I'm still bleeding on and off. 

Dr. W says I can start stims as soon as I get my period.

That's where I'm at. 

Still waiting. 

Dear Blog, Please forgive me. Love, the Bitter Infertile

Dear Blog, Please forgive me. Love, the Bitter Infertile

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

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Admittedly, I totally ignore this blog while not in the middle of the grand ole piece of shit that is trying to procreate by ways of ART.

I apologize.

I have a terrible habit of just never posting again when things go down hill.
I'm like a guy and this blog is my girlfriend, whom I treat badly and take total advantage of.

So to sum things up. The FET failed.
It was a really hard disappointment and and did a mini downward spiral which is always okay, IMO.

I was considering transferring my last embryo in December but then I found out that my husband's employer was changing insurance carriers which meant that we would have new coverage starting this year.

Thank God.

This year, thus far, I've been avoiding.
Until today.

Today, I went back to the RE. I had a nice quick consult with my doctor and agreed we would do a new fresh cycle. Over the next month I'll be on BCP and trying to be a slightly better version of my physical self before my physical and starting stims next month.

I'm borderline hopeful/excited and absofuckinglutely terrified. I'm leaning more towards the later.

For now, there's not much more to say. AF should be arriving in about a week and then I'll go in and start BCP.

Here we go again.

4dp5dFET....

4dp5dFET....

Sunday, September 6, 2015

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I guess I should rewind a bit.
My FET was Wednesday. The FET itself went great!

We transferred 2 "Fair" embryos. They grade them Good, Fair and Poor. The best part was that my Dr. did the transfer. We scheduled this specifically so she could do it. Since this is going to be our last time doing this for a WHILE I wanted to make sure that she was the one that did the transfer. I go to a large practice and usually you get whomever is scheduled to be in the OR that day. Anyway, we got there and as soon as she was done with whatever procedure she was doing at the moment she came out and said Hi and gave me a big hug. That immediately calmed my nerves and made me feel so much better. I'm sure the valium I had taken a few minutes prior helped too.
We waited for her to finish a retrieval and they took us in about 20 minutes later. It went well. Once it was over she gave me a huge hug that made me a little teary eyed and we went on our way.

I've been home doing absolutely nothing since.

DH has been pretty amazing. I don't tell him often enough at all but he really is. He purposely took all these days off from work so that he could be home with me taking care of me. He's cooked all our meals and just let me hang out around the house. The days seem to be going faster this time around.

As far as how I feel, meh, crappy. 1dp I has some pink tinge in the left over clumps of my Crinone so I'm HOPING that was implantation but that's just wishful thinking. 2dp I felt like complete shit. I was super dizzy and tired all day. I ended up napping from about 10 a.m. till 3 p.m. and that helped. I haven't been sleeping well. I'm up every hour at night and then exhausted during the day. I'm like a newborn. Yesterday was good. A lot more doing nothing all day. At around 4:30 p.m. I fell asleep and woke up just before 8. I'm sure it's Crinone related as I always have this issue with it. Last night I barely slept. I finally fell asleep WELL around 6:00 a.m and woke up at 8:30 a.m.
I feel bleh today. I THINK my boobs are starting to feel sore, I'm dizzy and I got nauseous when I was in the shower a little while ago. I've had cramping here and there over the last few days.
I've had a bit of head congestion so it could be related to that.
I'm hoping to get DH up so we can make a quick trip to the store since I can already tell I'm going to be in a super fantastic mood today.
Tomorrow I'm going to take one of my HPT's at home.
I'm praying.
I'm hoping that some of these symptoms seem to be developing the later I get in to my 10 day wait that it means something "positive".
They could all be TOTALLY unrelated and I get that, but I'm supposed to have faith and all that right?

If you're out there and reading this, please say a little prayer for us.
We could really use it.

7 days till FET....

7 days till FET....

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

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I picked a bad day to update this as I am having a shitty day but I figured it's been a WHILE and it's definitely time for an update.
So far things have been pretty uneventful.
Lupron has made me a bitch.
The addition of the Vivelle patches has made me a basket case.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
This week especially I feel like my brain is about 100 steps behind everything and everyone else.
Crinone starts on Friday. This should be fun.
I'm truly looking forward to being done with these meds. I know I have a ways to go though.

Monday I heard from Dr. W. I had emailed her at the end of July and then again about 2 weeks ao and I had not heard back. I decided just to wait till Friday's appointment and ask them to have her call me. But she beat me to it.
In my last email to her I asked her about the possibility of transferring 2 embryos instead of 1. I wasn't sure what she would say and I know based on previous conversations she preferred transferring one. Since I'm under 35, been pregnant before and don't have egg quality issues 1 was the way to go with the fresh.
She basically told me that if I wanted to do 2 with the FET and I understood the risks etc. that she was okay with it.

So....We'll be transferring two on 9.2

I'm happy she'll be doing the transfer. She hasn't done any of my procedures since the IUI that got me pregnant in 2009. Since this was going to be our last cycle for a WHILE I wanted to make sure she did it.

I'm nervous. I had not really given this cycle much thought until Monday. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the possibility of there being more than one. It's scary for so many reasons.
I'm always just hoping that it works.
It's been a long road.
I feel defeated. I feel like I'm sucking at absolutely everything else in my life.
I'm just hoping that this light at the end of the tunnel is coming soon.

Lupron Day 1...

Lupron Day 1...

Sunday, August 2, 2015

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Good Morning!

Well today is my first day of Lupron.
I now I said I would write when I got a calendar but clearly I suck because here I am a week later.
Let me catch you up.
AF showed up 7.24
7.27 I went in for Baseline.
Everything was good.
I asked how we could schedule this so that my Dr. could be the one to do the transfer and they were able to work it out. Amen!
Started BCPs that night.
Lupron starts today 8.2
My last BCP is on 8.9
My next lab & u/s is 8/14
Pre-Op is 8.28
and as long as everything is good. my transfer is 9.2

I still haven't discussed with my doctor our desire to transfer 2. Still really hoping she'll agree.

So that's that.

Today is Sunday and I'm hoping there will be a decent amount of relaxing involved in today's activites!

IVF #1 = Failed

IVF #1 = Failed

Thursday, July 23, 2015

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I've been avoiding writing this entry for the last few days. 

But, since I finally had my beta yesterday I guess it's time. 

So as you can tell from the title, it didn't work.
I had a bad feeling when I woke up 5dp5dt. I just knew.

I took a test that evening and it was negative.

I took one the following day, same result. 

There was really no reason it shouldn't have worked.

It's taken me a few days, a lot of tears and anger but, I think I'm finally okay. 

I had a talk with my amazing RE last night and I'm ready to move on to our FET which should be taking place at the end of next month. I should start meds within the next few days as soon as AF arrives. 

We have our 3 frosties left and I'm hoping she'll agree to let us transfer 2 of them. 

I'll update more once we have a schedule and I have an idea of all the meds I'll need.