Yes, I'm back. Again.

Well I left off on my last post hoping that my May IUI cycle would prove to be more successful than April. No such luck. I actually had to cancel that cycle after I took all the meds since I lost y job. Co-pays are a B*&%h and I just could take that money away from J or house things to pay for the monitoring and IUI's. SO I went on a forced break for 4 months. I was a REALLY hard four months. I honestly tried not to think about it because every time I did it actually made me hyperventilate. I was desperately trying to find some way to go back somehow and that way never came until the end of last month. I called in Dr. W's office to see if I could just come back in Sept. and they said I would need to meet with her first since I have 3 failed cycles. They counted May since we took all the meds and BD'ed. Thankfully, Dr. W had a last min cancellation on the 29th so I took it. Basically recommended either sticking with 1-2 more cycles of the same, moving on to an injectables only IUI cycle or IVF. We left of with that I would do 1 Injectable IUI cycle and then come back and see if we want to continue with another or move to IVF. Well...things are never that simple. AF arrived on Saturday and I went in for my CD3 ultrasound on Monday. Apparently, my meds for this cycle needed to have been ordered in advance and I had no idea so I had no Follistim to start with on Monday :( My options were to either cancel or do another Clomid/Follistim cycle....so I opted to do that. I'm on cycle day 6 now and to my pleasant surprise the clomid has NOT made me a raging bitch yet so that's definitely a win. I'm sure Alexis thinks so. I'm not really sure how I feel. I'm just trying to take it easy and pray that my body does what it's supposed to. I mean, it grew a baby before....you'd think it would remember how. Ha. I honestly did not think it would be this hard emotionally this time around. I did not expect for the process to be as easy as it was with J but I wasn't expecting the overwhelming feeling of disappointment at the failed cycles. I thought that having J already would make the disappointment easier to brush off. I should just be thankful I have my beautiful and amazing son and that's it. Right? Not so much. I think having J has actually made it worse. Before I became a Mom, I didn't really know what I was missing. I had never carried a baby inside of me, never given birth, never experienced finally seeing this baby that you've been waiting so long for. It truly breaks my heart to imagine that I may never get to do all of that again. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to have my son. He is by far my greatest accomplishment that THE MOST incredible blessing I have ever been given. I am SO lucky to be his Mom and if I only ever get to have him that's fine but I won't stop trying. I don't feel like my family is complete yet. So if you're out there in cyber space reading this, I'll take any prayers and good wishes you can spare. Here we go again!