Tonight we trigger.....

So many emotions right now that I'm not entirely sure how to sift thru them all.

I'm nervous:
I've ever been under anesthesia before. I'm only slightly freaking out about this.
We've been doing shots all week but this HCG shot is a big deal. It has to be done perfectly.

I'm pleasantly surprised:
That it only took 10 days of meds. That my body responded well and that I have 17 total measurable follies. I was not sure what to expect but this definitely surpassed any expectations I might have had.

For a recap, today's u/s showed

8 Follies on the Right:
19.1, 18.2, 17.8 16.7, 15.3 14.6, 13.4, 12.2

9 Follies on the Left:
20.6, 19.4, 19.2, 17.3, 16.6, 14.3, 14.3, 14.1, 13.8

Lining was 10.5 and my Estradiol was over 1300. 

I'm sad:
My doctor is not performing my ER. :( This actually makes me incredibly sad. I was really hoping that trigger would be tomorrow instead of tonight because I know on Tuesday's she's in the OR. But no such luck. I did email her (because I'm crazy) to ask if there was any possibility that she would be around this week for either the retrieval or the transfer. The last time a procedure worked she performed it and it's when I got pregnant with my son in 2009.
So sad.
I'm sad that my Mom isn't here. I know she's with me in spirit as is my Dad but I miss her. I wish I could call her and talk to her about all these feelings.

I'm excited:
If this works, I'll finally be pregnant again! Something that I've been wishing for and dreaming about since about a year after my boy was born. I've tried to not let me mind wander and get excited too much but sometimes I let it just to get out of the following feeling. Thinking about our new baby, if it's a boy or girl. What we would name him/her. What he/she would look like. How excited J would be to be a big brother.

I'm terrified:
What if this doesn't work? How will I recover? Will we end up with embies to freeze? So much unknown. SO much at stake. This is by far one of the scariest things I've ever done. This feeling by far overcomes them all. Sometimes it's not so bad. Sometimes it feels like a necessary feeling, but it's still so overwhelming.

All that being said, tonight is trigger.  Tomorrow morning we need to go to the office again for blood work. They'll be checking my estrogen again and making sure the HCG got in there properly.
We decided to rent a hotel room up near the office so we wouldn't have to come all the way home and then head back Monday morning for the ER.
So if you're reading this blog and you have any prayers or good vibes to spare, I would greatly appreciate them.